is already known that baths annoy me, but this is not where my
washing annoyances end. Shower gels also annoy me. They tend to make
them creamy so they can sell you a luxurious experience. Lord knows I
need that to get me through the day. After sitting on my ass,
slamming that laptop keyboard and stuffing my face with canned tuna,
I just need to feel luxurious, you know; and what better way to do
The worst thing is, it doesn't even work. It feels more like I'm rubbing leftover custard all over my body. The smells are especially adding to the experience. Cocoa butter and vanilla shower gel, I won't lie, it smells pretty good. If I close my eyes, I almost feel like I'm an eclair, sitting on a plate in the window of a french patisserie while the chef is... watering me like a ficus - the water gets in my eye, I touch it with my soapy hand and then my own grunts take me back to the reality of my bathroom.
So here I am, covered in custard and bored of showering. Water is getting in my eyes, my wet hair is sticking to my back and I just want to get out this watery casket. Alas, I cannot. The custard is stuck to me and my skin is so buttery you could just slide me down the hallway. I spend next 5 minutes rubbing my limbs till I feel like I got rid of it. That might not sound like a long time, but if you take in consideration that my normal shower lasts 5 minutes, this doubles my shower time. Ten minutes later, I'm out of the shower, fully annoyed, red from all the scrubbing, and as expected, feeling utterly luxurious.
Shower gels are just unpractical, especially when you are as lazy as I am. You know when you need to go somewhere and you haven't showered so you brilliantly decide to just wash your armpits in the basin. If you attempt doing that with a shower gel, you will flood your bathroom. That is because shower gel will not rinse - it refuses to rinse, and when it's only applied on your armpits it gets even more paranoid and it attaches to you like a koala to a eucalyptus tree. As soon as it realizes you haven't applied as much of it as you normally do, it freaks out and sticks its claws in you even harder. I'm becoming one with your skin. You will never get rid of me so stop trying. Just love me! - I can hear it say. At some point, you will loose patience and wipe it with the towel, hoping to smother it to death, but it's screams will echo through the deodorant mist.
There is a solution though, a solution as old as time, well, as old as around 2800 BC in ancient Babylon. It's soap. Good ol' bar of soap. It lathers fast and rinses even faster. It costs next to nothing, even if you buy fancy soaps. Well, they might cost more, but they last you months so it's worth it. I love my bar of soap. I'm in and out of the shower in 5 minutes and my skin feels clean and residue free. It can get a bit unpractical to handle at times, I admit. That soap is a slippery bastard. I find it strange that I still get uncomfortable every time I drop the soap and have to pick it up, even though I'm all alone in the shower. I look around and pick it up as fast as I can, as if someone is just going to appear out of nowhere and give me a warm welcome to Folsom.
Granted, most people will rather battle the gel every day then give soap a chance, but that's fine. Soap doesn't need you and your support, he knows what he's worth and he will keep on doing his thing. You can go and shower with your fancy shower gels and I hope you think of me while you do it. Actually, that's gross so please don't, but do try the soap.
**I'm embarrassed to say how many times I wrote soup, instead of soap, in the last paragraph. Pretty much as many times as you can see soap.